Parenting in Tragic Times

Driving It Home:  When the World Seems Broken
In the blink of an eye, so much can change.  Last week at this time, most of us were looking forward to the holidays with some degree of excitement, as we planned gatherings and family meals and trips to see loved ones.  On Friday, with the news of a school shooting in Newtown CT, our full attention was on a national tragedy so sad and terrible that it was difficult or impossible to believe—and yet, it was true. I heard the news on the radio and reacted with numb horror as my preschooler slept in the carseat behind me, in the parking lot of the grocery store. 

I had time to react before he woke, and thought I had myself put back together by the time my daughter got off the bus.  She walked in the house, took one look at me, and said, “Mom, what’s wrong?”  So much for my poker face.  The reality is that even for those of us able and willing to keep our kids from hearing and seeing media about such events, they often know something is wrong, just from picking up on our energy and subtle cues.  I gave her a little information—she’s 10, after all, and starting to see herself as part of the community and world around her—and let her ask me any questions in the hours that followed.  

Following the advice of experts in the field of children’s emotional health, I kept the news off, gave enough info to answer her questions but did not dwell on details, and assured her she was safe.  I tried to make sure my younger child, just four, didn’t know anything about the event.  I reminded my daughter that no matter what happens, as Fred Rogers said, there are always helpers present—to look for the helpers, and she will find them. 

As the weekend unfolded, we talked a little about some of those helpers—teachers who saved lives.  When she went to school on Monday, she heard a lot more in an in-class presentation.  I was glad her teacher and guidance counselor were there—helpers who were assisting me in taking care of my child’s emotions and spirit during a scary time.  As the days have gone by, I have found myself turning back to the advice when either she or I start to feel overwhelmed.  

·         On an ongoing basis, we can and should limit our exposure to the news.  Seeing repeated images and hearing eyewitness stories about a horrific event can be devastating for both kids and adults.  We can become so focused on immediate consumption of news and world events that it can be completely overwhelming at a time like this, especially for kids.

·         It’s ok to be sad.  Permission to grieve together is important to give our kids.  We model our compassion and care when we show sorrow.  But for kids, this is usually a short time, with lots of snuggles and reassurances—then move on to doing something good, joyful, or healing. 

·         Reclaim joy after grieving—play games with your kids or have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen.  Bake some cookies for a neighbor, volunteer at your local pet shelter, or get out and take a walk or bike ride with the family.  We owe it to our kids in a dark time to continue to share our light, and to enjoy the world with them.

·         Reach out to your friends, family, and your ministers if you need to talk.  We are all in this together, and we can all be helpers in our communities, and our communities of faith, as we bind up each others’ broken hearts during this time of sorrow.

Some suggestions from the American Academy of Pediatrics about talking with your children about the tragic events in the news, including Newtown CT:
http://www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/Children-and-Disasters/Pages/Talking-to-Children-About-Disasters.aspx

Mr. Rogers’ great advice:
http://www.fci.org/new-site/par-tragic-events.html